HAPPY NEW YEAR FELLAS!

2013 is round the corner and it is the time to make some resolutions, the first being that I shall be more resolute about fulfilling my resolutions. So, here is my list of resolutions for the year 2013.  

Get Elastic Waistbands: Is it the case with all women or is it just me who runs short of waistbands (not in terms of length for if that’s the case, we would witness catastrophe but more so, in terms of numbers)? Waistband crisis has haunted women for decades now. In 1921, Meme who lived in a small village in Eastern U.P could not get married to the man of her dreams for on her wedding day, when the groom was waiting for the bride; Meme was struggling to find a waistband. The year 2013, will henceforth be remembered as the year that solved the problem of the waistband. I resolve that in 2013, I will solve the problem of waistband crisis by switching to elastic waistbands. For once and for all.

File Petition with Denim Companies: I am sick and tired of rummaging through stacks of even- sized jeans in the shelves of the stores in malls. If your waist size is 30, you are lucky. If your waist size is 32, you need to lose some weight, but you are still lucky for you will get a pair of denim that will fit. However, if your girdle is 31 inches, may heaven be with you for you will never find jeans that will fit. Size 30 won’t let you get into it and size 32 won’t let you stay into it. I resolve to file a petition with denim companies in 2013, thereby, requesting them to create odd-sized denims. If I am paying for it, I want to be able to breathe in it.

Learn to make annoying conversations: As much as I would like to believe that the verbatim conversation mentioned below never happened, the truth is it did happen. And as much as I’d like to believe that ‘babu’, ‘baby’, ‘bachha’ can be cute monikers; the truth is they are utterly irritating when spoken in public.

X: Meri to shaddi kisi aur se hone wali thi, lekin phir yeh meri zindagi main aaye aur inhone mujhe apne glamour se aakarshit kar liya. Yeh na brand management main hain, to inko sab mall main sab jaante hain. Yeh mujhe mall leke gaye aur bahut shopping karayi, kahin kisi ne paise bhi nahin liye.

Y: (uninterested expression) Achha. Lucky hain aap.

X: Haan aur mujhe hi nahin, inhone mere bhai ko bhi shopping karayi aur woh pagal 67,000 ki shopping kar baitha. Louis Philippe ki shirt, addidas ke joote, sab itni mahangi mahangi cheezen khareed lin.

Y: (uninterested expression) Achha. Lucky hain aap.

X: Haan main to inke charm se attract hogayi. (takes her phone out and shows it to the other girl) Yeh dekho meri Nano. Yeh to inhone mujhe shaadi par di.

Y: Achha. Lucky hain aap.

I am usually not very irritating except when I absolutely want to be. All the same, it is good to be irritating. Take for instance, if I am travelling in a metro coach and the person sitting right next is exuding stink, I can irritate her to death by making an annoying conversation. Puking is helpful too, but it should be reserved for quandary situations. In 2013, I resolve to learn to be irritating and annoying and I resolve to learn to puke and burp.

Finish that book by Robert Fisk: For those of you who do not know, Robert Fisk is a British Journalist who most probably has been given the distinguished honor of being a Historian (in all fairness, Fisk as a Historian, is a better historian than any historian can be). It was in 2011, that I first picked up ‘The Great War for Civilization’, a book so elaborate it makes Arundhati Roy’s articles look tersely brief; safe to say  if God were to complete this book, he would have not been able to create the world. Two months later, I put it down. Two months later, I picked it up. Two months later, I put it down yet again and it has been so. The year 2013 shall see me finish ‘The Great War for Civilization’.

Put relationships to test: Relationships should be put to tests for life should be devoid of people who cannot be trusted. 2013 shall witness me putting to test the loyalty of all the men and women. The litmus test of my friendship would be considered qualified only if all men I know vow to see the Twilight series and skip the annual Victoria Secret Fashion Show whereas all women who claim to love me, gift me a dress from their wardrobes.

There are only a very few important things in life. People will come; people will go. There will be times when you will feel that your world is shrinking and is about to come to an end but you will find a ray of hope making way into your life and sweeping it clean off the darkness. You will get hurt; you will lose but you will find the heart to fight and never give up. And while all this happens, the most important thing that you need to remember is- always moisturise your skin well and use sun screen for trust me, life can go on with a broken heart but not with a face that looks like cracked shoe polish.