The Indian Parliament has become the Canadian Horseweed. Before fingers begin to point, let me clarify
that the comparison does not insinuate a pro-western policy or the parasitic
behavior of its occupants. It simply implies that much like the plant, the
Indian Parliament stays closed more than it opens. Given the state of the
matter, it seemed that the Parliament deadlock of 2012 would have outlasted the month
long washed out winter session of 2011.
This is an age of celebrity endorsements. The Parliamentary
stall provides our politicians with a lot of free time which they can
effectively utilize to endorse products and uptake part time jobs. For once,
wouldn’t it be good to have party funds collected through our politician’s
drudgery? Wouldn’t it be good to have named contributors in place of unnamed
donors?
Our Parliamentarians and Politicians make an accomplished
group with exclusive individual talents. My almost idle-mind-devil’s-workshop
imagines what products our politicians should endorse and which side job they
should take.
- Sushma Swaraj: This Parliamentarian who holds the distinction of being the youngest ever Cabinet Minister is best known for her computer memory. In case, you managed to overlook her career database, let me remind you that Mrs. Swaraj is the “Chacha Chaudhary” of the Indian Parliament. She should, thus, utilize her unmatchable retentiveness as an excuse to bag the endorsement of brain capsules under an agreement to use one of her anti-congress- anti-corruption speeches as a demo advertisement to establish the product? Kill two birds with one stone, eh?
- Arun Jaitley: As a strategic planner of BJP, Arun Jaitley can organize workshops on how to coordinate campaigns in his free time. Though Jaitley is fit to endorse many products; he should simply take this time off to actually fight an election. A political career with only appointments to show on resume and no ‘actual’ victories is like a pizza with tomato, onion, capsicum, mushroom and jalapenos but no cheese. Tasteless!
- Nitish Kumar and Narendra Modi: While one is busy hurling brickbats, the other is busy preparing report cards for the upcoming session. The unspoken chemistry between these two mighty men is hard to ignore. The constant criticizing, teasing and never-ending rivalry makes Narendra Modi and Nitish Kumar, the perfect choice to play a cameo in the longest survived television show, Tom and Jerry. The question is- who gets to be the cat and who has to be the rat?
- Mamta Banerjee: Oh well, let us keep Didi away from jumping on the endorsement bandwagon. Celebrity endorsements can come later. Lessons in Brand Management are what she needs to learn first. With ghosts from a certain “arrested” past haunting her, Ms. Banerjee would benefit best from an internship stint at a good PR company. Or, would Didi want to go for an image revamp by endorsing a certain mouth (mao-th) wash?
- L.K Advani: Advani has a very important task at hand-deciding BJP’s Prime Ministerial Candidate. So, it would be quite unfair on our parts if we expect the senior BJP leader to endorse products or take part time jobs. However, it would also be wrong if we keep the veteran politician away from some constructive and contributory work. Amid appeasing internal clashes and zeroing in on a single candidate, the “Eternal Yatri” can devote his free time to designing a chariot so beautiful, it would magnetize fellow yatris. I am sure a Rath-Yatra is on the cards in 2014.
- Laloo Prasad Yadav: Laloo Prasad Yadav’s charismatic personality, unsurpassable sense of humor and a long list of admirers in Bollywood and elsewhere, make him the media’s blue eyed boy. Consequentially, this Parliamentarian would never suffer from lack of options to choose from in the brand endorsement game. Laloo Prasad Yadav can endorse any product and make it as famous as Jesus. We know not what he would endorse; we know what he should not endorse- Family planning and English Speaking courses. Bhak Budbak!
- Vijay Mallya: Desperate times call for desperate measures. The King of good times has been hit by a rough patch. And he will strike back. With endorsements? Err… maybe. Every drop in the Ocean counts, isn’t it? Given his flamboyant lifestyle and playboy image, Mallya should stop endorsing his son and instead endorse some dating websites. The mind should be where the money is. The son can take care of himself.
- ManMohan Singh: Which brand name should the Prime Minister of India endorse? Hebrew National. What is Hebrew National? It is a food brand which makes kosher hot dogs and sausages. Is there a connection between Hot Dogs and the Indian Prime Minister? Not that I can think of. Why do I, then, suggest the Prime Minister to endorse the brand? Does not the tagline say it all- We answer to a higher authority. Our Prime Minister would know the pain. Jee Madam Jee!
- Rahul Gandhi: “What’s in a name?” said Shakespeare. The Bard of Avon would have eaten his words had he met Rahul Gandhi even once. It’s all in the name. At least, in case of the Gandhis. This Gandhi-Nehru Scion’s kitty must be brimming with companies soliciting him to endorse them. In such a scenario, the onus is on the companies for Rahul Gandhi would endorse only those names which allow him to “play a bigger role”.
- Shashi Tharoor: With his long list of conquests and achievements, Shashi Tharoor should be gracing literary events and International conferences more often. But beauty is such a curse. Can anyone really look beyond that charming smile and those beautiful green eyes? No. Tharoor would do best if uses the power of his beauty to endorse cosmetics. Imagine a prim and proper Mr. Tharoor selling fairness creams and hair products. Ah! Works wonders for me. Or the author par excellence can also endorse The Great Indian Wedding. Married thrice and still counting!
- Kapil Sibal: Mr. Sibal could have easily marketed Champion Notebooks, Natraj Eraser or Add Gel pens but then he had to lose his sheen by creating the “toilet controversy”. Unfortunately, going by the recent controversy, there is only one company dying to hire Mr. Sibal as its celebrity face- Parryware. Now, it is for Mr. Sibal to decide if he wants to “add glamour to his life” or not.
- Digvijay Singh: A little birdie told me that a Software Giant has been putting in delirious efforts to get Digvijay Singh to become their new face. They believe if there is a man as well programmed as a Computer Software, its Digvijay. I couldn’t agree more but I suggest, try Manish Tewari too.
- Rekha: Whatever the reason be- fifty layers of make-up, abusive use of concealers or 45 degree portrait light set up; the fact is that even a 100x Zoom lens cannot capture a single wrinkle on Rekha’s face. The only product that Rekha should endorse at 58 is Anti-Ageing Capsules. Dil cheez kya hai, aap mere anti-ageing capsules lijiye. Bas ek baar mera kaha maan lijiye.
- Anna Hazare: Anna Hazare says he is not a politician. You know he is not a Parliamentarian. And I believe it would be wrong to devoid this list of a name which has stirred Indian politics and tormented Parliamentarians for months now. A source dying to be disclosed told me publicly that McDonald’s has been putting in a lot of efforts to sign Anna as its brand face. Anna Hazare, when skipping meals, pulls huge crowds. Imagine the reaction if a podgy Anna holds a Happy Meal in his hand and declares, “i’m lovin it”. The result might compel the forever seated Ronald McDonald to stand up in surprise.
